We are living currently in the period of “me too” campaign that can easily slip into dualistic opposition of “poor” women against “bad” men. Herewith acknowledging all wounding done to women, I would like to ask a cetain question – What women can do for men?
Women have been doing their self-development growth for last 10 to 30 years. It is an important step in our evolution. Yet there was not much offered to men who also didn’t seem to be interested in that. Though now the time has come when men feel lost, confused, left out and awakening to the fact that women are much ahead while men were making their living or pursuing other goals.
Rejection, a second man’s name
I would like to invite women here to step into men shoes. Imagine that you grow up with a body that so vividly exposes your affection and arousal. You cannot hide your attraction. It makes you extremely vulnerable and prone for rejection. In fact, rejection is a second skin of an average man. Think about it. We are conditioned and we do expect as women that it is a man who will initiate contact. Than we are privileged to say no or maybe. Number of” no’s” that men collect trough their teenage and adult life is countless. What can you do then? Either you can choose to stop showing your interest and stop approaching or put on a thick leather and detach from your feelings and vulnerability.
Phallus collective wound
Let’s tune more into being in a male body. It is very difficult to have a phallus. There is so big collective wound of misuse, rape, abuse of a penetrative power. Thus, you are just born being guilty, born into being a predator just because you have this erectile tissue that can give so much pleasure or pain.
You feel overwhelmingly responsible. It feels almost like a weapon. Women who you approach do not see you for who you are but as a potential perpetrator who they need to protect against.
Being responsible for women emotions
Than you are taught that mummy is feeling sad or angry because what you have done. Unexpectedly you were handed over a huge power over woman’s life. You are taught that you are responsible to make her happy or miserable. What a burden it must be! Though there is a price for that as well. You can believe that you can make women orgasming. They expect you to know what to do to give her pleasure when you have no slightest idea about her body, not mentioning being lost in your own body self-exploration that was pointed out as sinful or disgusting. But you need to keep up to this imaginary picture of Don Juan, otherwise you are not masculine enough.
Fucked up relationship with father
Fathers are usually lost themselves, raised up by unfulfilled mothers. Their fathers were war or post war generation with huge hidden emotional trauma. Something that no one speaks about. They usually start talking as getting old when feeling that death is coming soon to release this silent burden. No one was teaching them how to be a man, what does it mean how to support a woman, how to raise up children, how to be a lover.
Competition and rivalry amongst men
All what you have learned is how to survive in a jungle to prove yourself against other males. You are mobbed by the ones that you would like support from. You need to compete to win a woman and then stand your ground when she constantly compares you with other men. And you cannot admit how much you would like to be held by your male brothers. Your pride does not allow you to reach out and be vulnerable, showing how much you need it.
Is there any space for doubts and not knowing in a vision of a manhood?
I guess not. At least most women do not make space for it, as well as men themselves.
And yet, it is ok to admit: I am lost, I do not know how to keep up with you, I feel worthless, I feel that I cannot contribute to your life as you are so beautiful, wise, self-caring, self-confident, offering yourself a pleasure, I feel you do not need me. And dare to ask, why are you with me, really? Be bold enough to listen to the answer and receive it as it is usually: I don’t want anything from you, I just want to love you.
Women’s role in men transformation
Women, it is time to stop demanding and expecting. It is time to deeply listen and hold space for men as much as you are able to hold space for yourself. Allow them to be confused, vulnerable, soft, lost. Though to do that, you need first to strengthen your masculine and stop projecting on men own confusion, discomfort, uneasiness, lack of self-care or self-love.
Let’s start with an open question, what can we women do for you, men?
Than probably we will open a pandora box. There is a silent agreement that women have suffered a lot, but what about men? Are we willing to listen to their “me too campaign”? To be honest, I am waiting for this step
Don’t be a fag
After many years of teaching and healing work, just recently I have heard a question from a man “How to heal rape from my wife?”. To be honest, I was puzzled for a while, while I am so used to hear it the other way. This issue is not raised up because there are none of such cases but because “men always want sex”, don’t they? “All what they think about is sex”. Following this thought line, can they refuse sex? Does any woman ever ask a man if he wants sex?!
Men silently go with it, but what about their feminine? They also feel tired, triggered, not in the mood and just not wanting sex in this moment with this person. Though they are conditioned just to hope over it, otherwise they will be ridiculed for not being a man enough or “maybe you prefer boys…”
Women can be harsh and mocking. While it happens to women it is more often acknowledged as abuse, though not when it happens to men.
We are all victims and perpetrators
Breath taking statistics say that 55% of child abuse in USA is done by women, the caretakers. These facts do not fit into our vision of world filled with abusive men. Can we acknowledge that women and men do suffer alike? Can we stop bidding each other over in this gender war?
What if both sides accept changing roles in this human history. Let’s move forward. Let’s heel together. It is an old paradigm story that only separation can help. We need to hold each other in the arms to cry together. We need to find understanding and compassion to each other. It is not an easy ride for any of us. How many I have heard from women, I wouldn’t have come to you for a sexual healing session if you were a man. It makes me so sad.
Crying together, healing together
I deeply want to reach out and encourage women to give space for your sisters in male bodies. They need us so badly, to be heard and witnessed without judgement. Their stories of abuse and self-abuse need to be acknowledged.
I am inviting men to make a first step and get out of your shell. Allow yourselves to reconnect with your inner feminine, to feel again, to love again, to be soft and wild and passionate crazy being without taming yourself any more
You are welcome men. There is a lot of women ready to be there for a real connection with you.
26 November 2018, Sweden, by the lake