Men suffer in silence

Let’s start with some provocation to stir up some thoughts. Already for some time we are on the break of a new era. Many women have seized their opportunity. It looks like it is time for men. It is more of a challenge now, though still an opportunity to extract the golden nugget out of this mess. Life usually gives us many chances to heal and expand. What I generally observed is, many men are better at resisting them and kind of waiting, until they are forced on their knees to go for real change. Why? I think it is a matter of social conditioning as well as “human design”.

Doomed to failure

Male identity is to prove to be a man from an early childhood. It means to be tough, not to show tears or vulnerability, to appear as a man means big muscles, a kind of super hero who rescues everyone and always wins. We have created a western culture of justified violence. It starts in the very early months and years of a baby’s upbringing. Due to our own confusion and looking outside for a sense of belonging, we have been bringing up new generations by applying clichés, stereotypes, based on movies and low key agreed reality. We have lost a sense of a deeper purpose, standing up for noble values, and taking unpopular stands in “lost cases”.

Born guilty and never being enough

Adult women want men to be good lovers and husbands, but when men are lost, sad and emotional, women attack them in order to “be a man”. Allowing men to be vulnerable would expose women’s own being lost in this world and their lack of a strong, mature, inner masculine, which would provide them safety, clarity and stability from within. Thus, they are the prison guards of encaged feminine locked in male bodies.

Trapped

Men suffer immensely. They are the subject of abuse and violence as well as women are. Though the main difference is that they suffer in silence. To speak about it means questioning the whole identity of being a man nowadays. Men should be tough, swallow any abuse and not fight back, they should not be weak or prone to being hurt. They need to get along with any disrespectful behaviour.

To be a man means also to be masculine, which means not to be feminine. Being hurt, wounded or sensitive is a feminine domain that boys and men are not allowed to enter. Thus they are caught in a vicious circle of darkness and perpetuating violence. Depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, cigarette addiction, porn addiction – these are the only accessible gateways out from this suffering. Numb yourself and keep on going with your duties until you will burst out with an attack of violence, then we will put you in jail or expel you from our group. This is our unspoken social message to men.

(Im)possible way out of suffering

Though maybe there is a (im)possible way out of it. A Way of a warrior. Jumping into the abyss, surrendering to the unknown. Let’s look at its stages

Stop

Firstly, questioning social conditioning, breaking free out of the invisible jail of internalised expectations and roles men have been listening to for 30-40-50 years. “I am not what you want from me, please start providing it yourself and take responsibility for your own life. I am out of any telepathic agreements with you and society”

Death

Then allowing oneself to die. Dying for society, dying for beloveds, dying for oneself. Getting rid of any identity. Letting go of what one thinks one knows about oneself. Starting from a scratch. Redesigning oneself. Believing in the impossible.This can be a very painful stage. Sometimes it is better to be an outcast or labeled as the devil than to be no one, without an identity. Do I even exist?

Only ashes remain

Here the journey starts to reconnect with the feminine essence of reality – surrendering to the unpredictable unknown. Starting to feel. Burning, burning, burning in the flames of pain and emotions and not moving out of this fire until it is done, till only ashes remain, like Buddha Shakyamuni unceasingly sitting by the bodhi tree. Setting up a goal to burn this pain out until one breaks free. At least to a significant point when one can start to implement the next step.

Brotherhood

Looking around for support. Reaching out. Sharing your own story. There are more men than one may think in a similar situation. Though do you trust them to open up? What do you have to loose? Probably at this stage, one has already lost everything, burnt all bridges.

Self-responsibility

Taking responsibility for the unconscious creation of the mess one has found oneself in and one’s own suffering. Stopping victim-perpetrator-savior games. Self-awareness and introspection are of great help at this stage. Learning your own lessons. One can not undo what has been done, but being sorry from deep in your heart can build new bridges. It is never too late to be sorry. Sorry to yourself, others and the world.

Poison into medicine

Humanising oneself again. Finding kindness for oneself and your own scars. Poison can be a medicine when digested properly. What has one learned?

Input into collective healing

Finding a bigger picture. In this stage maybe one can already go beyond their own story and own pain and look around. Trying to understand their own role and men’s alike for the collective healing and stepping into a new era of taking care of each other – an era of tender, carrying warriors, courageous enough to be vulnerable, authentic, raw and reaching out while being broken.

A cake

Thank you all men going through these waves. It feels like a crucial part for our human journey. Thank you for taking this role upon yourself, even if you were consciously not deciding to do it. We have created a big mess together and we need to clean it together, though each one of us needs to take individual responsibility for our own piece of this evolution cake, hopefully it will turn out a birthday cake!

Let all beings be happy. Let all beings find a way out of suffering

Estera Saraswati

Feb 8, 2019

Recommended movie to watch: “Mask you live in” documentary , could be found on Netflix.